


The Idea of Us

by churchboy



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Best Friends, Falling In Love, Friends With Benefits, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Pre-Relationship, Realistic, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-16
Updated: 2019-02-16
Packaged: 2019-10-29 09:34:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17805533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/churchboy/pseuds/churchboy
Summary: OR.. "The five times Phil shut down the idea of a relationship and the one time he didn't."





	The Idea of Us

**Author's Note:**

> OKAY... so I haven’t written any kind of fanfiction for three years now. I kind of fell out of Dan and Phil (my main fandom) for a long time now, but recently I’ve found a new love for the boys. Ironically, I found this half-written fic on my google docs and thought I'd take the time to finish it. Starting fresh seems weird, but hopefully this isn't too rough of a start?

1 - December 2009

Dan was in love. There was no denying it. You could see it in his tweets, his dailybooths, his formspring answers, and of course: his eyes. Though he never stated his feelings out loud, neither he or Phil were oblivious to them. 

The first time they had “the talk,” they were laying on the couch in Phil’s living room. Dan’s back was pressed against Phil’s stomach, with Phil’s arm holding Dan closer to him as if he feared him leaving. They had done this before: everytime Dan visited, since the time they were given was always so short. 

Dan had spent months idolizing Phil, only to end up wrapped up in his arms and pulled close to him for warmth on a snowy December night. It was warm and inviting, and Dan found he fit perfectly into the shape of Phil’s body as if he was meant to be there. He was content with never leaving, if given the chance. 

But their relationship was just now beginning to blossom; meaning it was unpredictable and uncertain.

Phil was the first one to bring it up, stating that “the talk” was only meant to protect them, not destroy them. Atleast, that’s what Phil told Dan when he felt him tense up underneath his arm. They weren’t denying or ignoring their feelings, they just weren’t “acting on them.”

Dan resented the idea of it, and even resented Phil a little bit. After all, it was obvious Phil was just as interested in him, so why was there a need to push down their feelings? 

He never asked. He never would. Instead, Dan just agreed and interlocked their fingers, causing Phil to kiss the back of Dan’s head. He was lucky Phil couldn’t see his face, as it had turned a bright shade of red and his eyes were watery.

For the time being, Dan would accept being as close to Phil as possible. He didn’t know how long it would last, as Phil had his whole life ahead of him and Dan still had all four years of University to get through. Deep down, Dan knew they wouldn’t last and maybe that’s why he agreed with Phil. If they don’t ever “start” a relationship, then it can never really end.

 

2\. November 2010 

“Can you imagine living in the Star Wars universe?” Phil asked.

The second conversation came a year later. Dan practically lived at Phil’s new apartment, due partly to the fact that he truly hated his university halls and the people he lived with. He had dumped off most of his belongings at Phil’s earlier on in the semester and was planning on moving in after Christmas. 

But right now that was still about two months away, so he would have to suffice with visiting Phil on the weekends. Most of the time, they would make plans to go out in to town and explore, but this in particular weekend, Dan just wanted to sleep for a straight twenty four hours. So, Phil proposes a movie day and then decides that they should watch the whole Star Wars series, as it was something they had never actually watched together yet. 

“I don’t know, Phil.” Dan chuckles. “I guess I’d want to live on Tatooine as a hermit like Obi Wan Kenobi, so I never had to see another person.”

Phil just laughs at him as he puts the movie in. “I’d want to live on Naboo. It just seems so perfect there. Green, lush, I imagine it smells like fairies.”

“Fairies?” Dan laughs again. “And what do fairies smell like Phil?”

Phil shrugs, making his way back to the couch as the opening scroll begins. Immediately, Dan sinks into the back of Phil’s chest. They didn’t get to do this often, mostly because they didn’t have the opportunity to, but also because Phil tried to avoid these types of situations if he could. 

Phil still tells Dan that he loves him whenever he leaves to go back to the halls, but things have changed over the course of a year. It’s not as genuine or real as when Phil said it in 2009.

Dan still loves Phil, but he’s managed to force it down his throat. But today, he can’t seem to stop it from coming up. He settles his back into Phil’s chest and sighs, earning a gently hum from the back of Phil’s throat. “I want to move in with you.”

He feels Phil nod from behind him, wrapping his arm around Dan tightly, letting him know that he was okay with that. “Just remember,” he whispers, “we have to be careful.”

Dan’s knows, but he doesn’t care.

3\. December 2012

2012 was a rough year, something neither Dan nor Phil say coming.

First, the Valentines Day video gets unprivated due to a Youtube glitch, leaving Dan and Phil on the worst of terms.

Then, Dan drops out of university, which leaves him not on good terms with his family. 

So, when his career takes off, Dan feels like he has no one to celebrate with - not even his flatmate Phil. They hardly talk anymore: unless it’s for a video, planning for the Super Amazing Project, or to discuss ‘the video.’ Luckily, the end of the year was beginning to lookup.

“Dan,” Phil yelled from the breakfast bar. “Come here.”

Dan tensed. Usually he would reply with something rude or snotty, but today Phil’s tone of voice was different. Phil sounded happy, causing Dan to slowly roll out of his bed and into the hallway.

“BBC Radio One called,” Phil said excitedly when Dan entered the lounge. “They want us to do a Christmas show! And they said if things go well, we could have a show every Sunday.”

“Are you serious?” Dan’s tone of voice suddenly matches Phil. “Like, they offered us a job?”

“Fully paid with benefits, given things go well.” Phil smiles, but it slowly fades. “There’s one problem though. We’d have to move to London by the end of this month, meaning we need to decide on this quick so we can start looking at flats in London. Plus, we’ll have to put this one up for sale.”

“Make a decision? I mean, are there any cons with this?” Dan questions with a chuckle.

“Well, people are obviously going to see us as a duo and not individuals.” Phil says sharply.

Then the old tone is back. The ‘we messed up about a relationship that wasn’t even actually a relationship but now it looks like it was because of a youtube glitch’ tone. Dan tries to not let this affect him, because he knows he wants this job and he knows Phil does too.

-

When the flat is empty, it almost seems like Dan and Phil never lived there. For a second, Dan almost feels like he could leave their mistakes in this very apartment, but he knows Phil will continue to cling to them even when they arrive to their new home in London. He knows that at some point he and Phil will get past it, but the day they move is not that day.

The first thing they do in their new flat is watch a movie. Not because they want to, but because they really have nothing better to do on midnight in a new town they just moved to.

Phil chooses Wall-E, which is the first movie that he and Dan ever watched together in October of 2009. He doesn’t choose it because of that reason though, it was just the first movie on the top of the unpacked box. Phil considered putting it back, finding a different movie with little less of a meaning, but he doesn’t. Instead, he puts the movie in the DVD player. 

Dan makes popcorn in their new kitchen before slowly making his way to the couch to watch the movie. He pauses when he sees Phil’s movie of choice, his heart begins to ache and he quickly wonders why Phil would ever want to watch this, specially given their circumstance right now? Dan considers turning around, avoiding whatever situation he is about to end up in, but he doesn’t. Instead, he sits down on the couch.

Eventually, the two boys end up like they always doe: cuddled up next to each other like two pieces of a puzzle that fit perfectly together. It’s a slightly different fit now that Dan is taller and since there is a weird tension in the air, but Dan doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t dare make a joke. He fears that if he does, this moment will be taken from him.

Dan tears up at the end of the movie, trying to hold back anything that would sound like crying from Phil behind him. His vision becomes blurry and he blinks a few times to get the tears out of his eyes. Why would Phil choose this movie? On a night like this? 

Phil, of course, hears Dan suck in a breath and almost as a reflex, puts his arm over Dan and pulls him closer, whispering to him that everything will be okay. 

Dan wants to believe him, but he also knows that this moment won’t last. They’ll have to go to sleep in their seperate rooms soon, and when they wake up tomorrow they will go back to hating each other in secret. He feels like can’t calm down, his mind filled with so many thoughts. It is no shock that eventually words come tumbling out of his mouth, “why the hell would you choose this movie?”

Phil doesn’t lie, “it was the first movie in the box.” 

“Oh,” Dan’s voice cracks.

Phil quickly begins rubbing circles on Dan’s side, hoping to sooth and calm him. “I should have thought about it. I’m sorry.” 

“I just-” Dan’s breath comes out a bit shaky and he takes a breath. “Phil, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry that I blamed you. I’m sorry for everything I said the day that video leaked.” 

“It wasn’t your fault, you know that right? I should have deleted that video beforehand.” Phil whispers, pulling him closer.

“I don’t want to hate you.”

“Then don’t.” Phil replies. “But we have to be careful, especially now.”

 

4\. June 2014

Dan stares at himself in the mirror, more specifically, at the hickey on his neck.

Dan and Phil still weren’t together, but the “convention season” composed of both Playlist Live and Vidcon always proved stressful for them. And after accidentally making Phil hard on stage, their leisure time in the hotel room took a different turn. 

It wasn’t like he and Phil didn’t hook up. Considering the fact that they have both been single since they met each other, it would be hard not to say they didn’t plan it sometimes. Yet, neither of the planned on having passionate sex in the Hilton presidential suite either.

The last time he and Phil had sex was at least a few months ago. They had gotten home from a radio show, both of them full of pent up sexual frustration, and instead of ordering domino’s like they had originally planned, they ended up on Dan’s bed a minute after opening the front door.

-

Later that night at the Youtube Party, when they finally had a chance to meet up with old friends, Dan made his way over to Louise. He always felt secure around Louise at these kind of parties and it gave him the opportunity to catch up with her, while simultaneously letting Phil go around and chat with other Youtubers, since he was the more social one of the two. 

Louise piped up the moment Dan made his way over. “You and Phil seem to be getting along again, how is everything?”

Dan smiles at her. A lot had changed since they last talked: they now had full fledged careers on both Youtube and the radio. Of course, he still didn’t have Phil, who believed that if they did get in a relationship, a break up would not only end their friendship, but also their entire careers. He tried to push that thought into the back of his head, instead responding with “better than ever.”

His response doesn’t make it pass Louise, who instead managed a laugh. “I’m not trying to pry love, but you truly are a bad liar. Though I do love that about you, are you sure everything is-”

Dan glances at Louise after her sudden pause. “Dan, you could have done a better job at hiding that hickey.” She winks at him, causing him to quickly bring his hand to cover his neck.

He glances across the room to Phil, who is slowly making his way from talking with Jack and Dean, to John and Hank. “We aren't together.” 

“Ironically, I think people see that way. I mean, you are one conjoined identity now instead of two separate beings. You’ve built your career on Dan and Phil.” Louise points out.

“But that doesn’t change that we are two seperate people” Dan snaps. “It can’t be Dan and Phil forever. We’ll eventually move on.”

Louise smiles, rubbing her hand up and down Dan’s arm to comfort him. “Love, I don’t think you and Phil could ever leave each other’s side. If you did I feel like the universe would explode.”

He glances up to find Phil again, his eyes wandering until he finds him over by the snacks. He smiles at Louise, thanking her, before making his way over to Phil. “Stealing snacks again?” 

“Always,” Phil laughs, nudging his shoulder into Dan. “I figured I’d take some back to our room so we can have some late night snacks. Sound alright with you?”

Dan smiles at the elder, he wants to ask what they should do for breakfast tomorrow. They have so many options: Ihop, Denny’s, Coco’s, and of course, Room Service. Instead, he says “I think we need to talk. About earlier.”

Phil shakes his head slowly, “it doesn’t have to mean anything if you don’t want it too.” 

“But I do want it to.” Dan blurts out quickly. “I mean, I want it to mean something. To you. To me. We can’t keep putting this off, putting it on the back shelf to come back to at a later point, since eventually we’ll have to talk about it.”

“And eventually we will.”

 

5\. September 2015

2015 was only half-way over and Dan and Phil had managed to complete three things on their bucket-list: Go to Japan, write a book, plan a tour. 

There was one left month before they actually departed on said tour, meaning they had a lot rehearsals and a lot less time in the flat. This was new to the both of them, as they had spent almost all of the months prior in their bedrooms writing their book, periodically finding their way to the other’s room to ask for their opinion on the page they were writing.

Luckily, there was one weekend in particular that Dan and Phil finally got a break. Originally, the plan was to go see a movie in the cinema, but that involved leaving the house, so it was quickly scrapped by Dan who suggest another “movie day.”

They bought a few new movies on Amazon to start off with, each giving their personal rating of the film at the end. By the end of the third movie, Dan sighed. His thoughts catching up with him. “What if this whole thing is a big mistake?” It was something he had been bottling up for almost half a year now, but it finally just burst out of him. 

“You said the same thing right before you dropped out of University,” Phil points out. “I think when you were rolling around on the floor babbling off incoherent sentences for about a month straight, I’m pretty sure that’s the only thing you said that I understood.”

Dan slouched further into his sofa crease. The memory of University still haunted him.

“Besides, Dan, this book and tour is something you care about. It’s something you’ve been wanting to do since we were first given the opportunity to. Why panic now?”

“Because what if I regret it? It’s not like I can go back in time and change it.” 

Phil laughs, “Obviously not. You can’t time-travel, at least as far as I know you can’t. But, if you could, would you go back and choose not drop out of university if you were given the option?”

Dan didn’t have answer. On one hand, he would, because then he would have been able to move out of their flat after the valentine’s day video got leaked and avoid that fiasco all together. On the other hand, Dan supposes that it wouldn’t have mattered anyways since they would have gotten the call from BBC, causing Dan to drop out and move to London. They might have still ended up having this same conversation.

His thoughts aren’t spoken aloud though. Instead, Dan just shrugs at Phil as he puts another movie into the dvd player - Les Miserables, one of Dan’s personal favorites. 

“Use your words, Dan.” Phil replies. “That’s how we got through this the first time.”

Dan lets out another sigh. “I think we would have ended up in this same situation either way, because when the BBC called asking for us to do the radio show, I would have dropped out of university anyways. Then we would have moved here and everything would be the same.”

“Yeah,” Phil pauses. “I wouldn’t have looked at it that way. Okay, so what if BBC never called?”

Dan sits on this for a few minutes. He probably would have still dropped out, considering he hated university. And most likely, they would have moved to London for a different job offer. He then expresses this thought to Phil.

“See?” Phil says. “No matter which way you look at it, we would have ended up writing the book. So be proud of it. It’s your story and it’s perfect.”

“It’s your story too.” Dan replies.

“It’s our story.” 

He doesn’t realize he’s crying until he feels Phil reach out and brush Dan’s cheek. Neither of them say anything, because neither of them have to. They both understand.

“In due time.” Phil says, softly.

Dan wants to crumble.

+1 May 2017

Their arrival back in Florida was different than the one previous. There was no tour to be stressing about, there was no tour bus meeting them at the hotel, and there was no stress in the back of Dan and Phil’s mind. So, as soon as the convention was over and their provided night at Universal Studios was over, they slowly made their way back to their hotel room for some well deserved rest.

Dan hadn’t been able to spend much time alone with Phil since he had to make an emergency trip to the Bahamas (for reasons he would rather not discuss.) It only made since that they turn on the television and find a movie to watch. Provided, hotels don’t carry the best channels for on-demand movies, they ended up making their way down to the bar at 11 pm at night. Luckily, there were no fangirls out and about, so they would still be spending their time alone.

The drinks taste incredible. Maybe it’s because they haven’t had alcohol in what feels like forever, but Dan really believes it’s because he actually has the time to enjoy each and every flavor in whatever he is drinking. He makes note to tell Phil everything he tastes, which causes Phil to laugh at him when Dan says a drink has a hint of “lemon piss.”

There night looks good until their last drink. When Dan gets to brave and questions Phil, “what if this doesn’t work out for the long run?”

“Are you asking me about your rebrand?” Phil asks.

“No, us.” Dan replies.  
Phil can’t help but feel his heart break at the idea of him and Dan not working out. They had worked at this for so long, they deserved it. 

If it weren’t for the valentine’s day video getting leaked, Phil figured they would have gotten together much earlier. But they had to hide whatever they felt, get through their lives, and make sure they had done everything right before they could make a justified decision. “I guess we can have that conversation now.” 

Dan’s eyes widen. “Now?”

“Now.” Phil replies with a wink. “I mean, we have successful careers. We wrote a book, put together whatever the hell DAPGO is, and created the beautiful stage show that is TATINOF. It’s not too shabby if you ask me.”

“Can we maybe not talk about this in some weird bar?” Dan asks quietly. At that, both of them pay the bill and silently make their way back to their hotel room.

Immediately, Dan flashes back to when he was entering Phil’s room for the first time. Every single thing he had ever wanted, right there in front of him. It was easier, it was simple, it was honest. Phil was right, they were young at the time. They didn’t know better.

Dan starts thinking about what his life would have been like if he didn’t listen to Phil. Call him submissive, but he always did what Phil told him because he ended up on a better path than if he listened to his own gut. So, what if he forced Phil into a relationship in 2009? Would they have stayed together? And if they didn’t, would they have had the same career success? Dan shivers at the thought of his life being any different than it is now. 

What if in 2010, Dan never moved in with Phil? He could have stayed in his university halls and just suffered through the obnoxious twats that constantly pestered him about his weird life on the internet. And what if Phil didn’t let him move in? Dan doubt this would have happened, but the thought still lingers in his mind.

Dan stays quiet, as does Phil, while they enter the room. They both sit next to each other on the same better and eventually Phil’s hand finds its way to Dan;s back, rubbing it to hopefully coax something out of Dan, whose mind is now racing about the “what if’s” of 2012. Like, what if he did move out? He is thankful he didn’t, because he wouldn’t have had anywhere to go. It also becomes a thought that lingers.

Dan flips through his mental memory book of 2014 in a millisecond before glancing over at Phil and sighing at the feeling of the little circles on his back. “I’m thinking,” he says, causing Phil to smile because it’s the first time that Dan isn’t acting on his instinct. He’s nervous. 

“Okay,” Dan begins, “I think it’s obvious I still love you. It’s not like I ever stopped.”  
“The feeling is mutual,” Phil replies with a laugh. “This is the first time you aren’t trying to convince me that dating is a good idea.”

“That’s because-” Dan stops and takes a breath. He actually doesn’t know why words are not coming to him tonight. “I think it’s because I know how it’s going to turn out this time.”

“How is it going to turn out?” Phil asks.

Dan glances down at Phil’s arm, putting his hand so that Phil will stop rubbing his back and instead, interlock their fingers. He takes a breath, “I think I always envisioned us ending up together, but now it just feels like we’ve always been together. Like, looking back, there was no moment when we weren’t together. Even in 2012, you were right there.”

Phil nods with a smile. “I could never leave you, besides it’s not like I thought we wouldn’t end up together. I just wanted you to get your life started. If we had been dating, you would have doubted us at every change. There was no way I was ever going to be able to get it in your brain that I was always going to be right here, but you know that now.”

“How did you know I would doubt us anyways?” Dan asks.

“I didn’t say that. I mean, it’s obvious you did. But you didn’t get up and leave.” Phil points out.

“It’s not like I had an option to do that,” Dan laughs.

“That’s just it, though. You always had the option, but you didn’t leave.” 

Dan lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding, squeezing his hand. “I couldn’t leave you knowing that we might end up here one day.”

“It only took eight years, a tour, a book, and a couple talks, but I think it worked out better this way.” Phil winks, “because now we have our whole lives in front of us.”


End file.
